


Hold my hand and never let go

by QueenC



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex saves the day, Boyfriends, Established Relationship, Football Game, M/M, Post Season 4, Soft Boys, antsy!Charlie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24905104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenC/pseuds/QueenC
Summary: Charlie is worried over a particular football game, but he's very good at hiding it.(Or so he thinks. Alex has him all figured out, and he thinks he can be good at calming Charlie down too, for a change.)
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 24
Kudos: 137





	Hold my hand and never let go

**Author's Note:**

> Someone suggested that I wrote a piece about Alex helping Charlie while he freaked out, and I got really into the idea. I'll say this, tho: Charlie is not canonically anxious, and neither strikes me as someone prone to full-on anxiety crises/panic attacks, so his freaking out here is quite light compared to what Alex went through in the show or in my other stories.
> 
> I would also like to point out that I know absolutely nothing about American football, neither about how sports scholarships actually work. I did some research, but you can only trust Google so much. I tried to keep the mentions of it to a bare minimum, but let me know if I made any mistakes.

If you told Alex Standall he would be roaming the hallways of his old high school a few months after he graduated, he would have probably laughed right at your face. The mere thought sounded ridiculous in his mind. But alas, here he was, at Liberty fucking High School again – and to make matters worse, this was not the first time this astounding phenomenon had occurred as of late. 

Alex wandered around the school stadium, watchful eyes searching for a glimpse of gelled up brown hair. He had attended Charlie's games quite regularly since the season started, managing to only miss a couple ones so far due to some extra seminars at college. And speaking of college, today was the first game the scouts would be officially watching this year. The application's period had started the previous month, so it wasn't big flashing news when this moment came by.

Charlie had been through this before. He had already played under scrutinizing eyes over the previous years, but it was different this time – besides being quarterback and captain, now he was also a senior. It was his make-it-or-break-it year. Eyes would be trained on him from the start, and he knew it, and Alex knew it, and pretty much everyone at school knew it. Alex could tell he was getting antsy over this.

Still, every time he had asked, Charlie had just shrugged his concerns away. But no matter how hard he tried to play it cool over the past week, Alex knew better. He knew his boyfriend's tells by now, and he could sense Charlie was nervous – which bewildered Alex to no end, to be honest, because he had seen Charlie go through way worse shit without batting an eye. But to each his own, he supposed. If this was what put Charlie on edge, Alex would be the last person on Earth to make light of it. On the opposite, he wanted to be there to support Charlie as much as he could.

Which was proving to be a difficult mission to accomplish, once his boyfriend was nowhere to be seen.

Alex entered the locker rooms, glancing warily around. Most of the jocks had already scurried outside, only a few stragglers left behind, trailing quickly towards the field. They spared Alex a nod on their way out, to which he responded absentmindedly, mildly amused at how being the captain's boyfriend had its perks. One year ago, he probably would have been glared at. He was glad he had made it out of this extremely toxic environment called high school, and quite frankly, he couldn't wait for Charlie to be out of it too – even though Alex had always counted him as an odd sort of jock. The word didn't even seem right in his head when he thought of Charlie. He had never fit the stereotype.

“Charlie? You here?” Alex tried, taking a few steps into the apparently empty room. He was sure he had missed Charlie on his way to the field, which was just sad. He wanted to kiss his boyfriend good luck before the game started.

To his surprise, there was movement on the corner of his eye, and he turned to see Charlie's head poking from behind one of the lockers. “Hey, you,” said Charlie, and he seemed a little off somehow, in a way Alex couldn't exactly put his finger on. “What are you doing down here?”

“What are _you_ doing down here?” Alex arched his eyebrows, amused. “Don't you have a game starting in, like, half an hour?”

Alex figured that was probably the wrong thing to say when Charlie flinched at his words, grimacing. “Yeah, yeah, there's that,” he mumbled, and with a sigh he was gone, vanishing behind the lockers again. Alex blinked. This was proving to be worse than he imagined.

He walked around the lockers, coming face to face with his boyfriend. Charlie was sitting on a bench, head down, in full-on football gear, except for his helmet and face guard, that still laid expectantly by his side. He had his elbows propped up on his knees, and his shoulder pads made his upper body seem ridiculously large. Usually, Alex thought it very funny and teased him mercilessly about it. Today, he just thought it made Charlie look smaller. Shrunk into himself.

“What's wrong?” Alex asked, worried. He didn't want to push, but it was easy to tell something was off. Charlie always did a poor job of hiding his emotions.

“I don't think I want to play,” Charlie murmured, staring at the floor.

There were a lot of answers Alex could have presented to that, and in retrospect, he would admit he could've handled it better. But he was caught off-guard by Charlie's statement, and all he could blurt out was a taken aback, “What?”

“No, scratch that-- I don't think I _can_ play,” stressed Charlie, lifting his gaze just the slightest bit. One of his legs started to bounce nervously as he struggled to find his words. “I just... Can't make myself go out there. Just told Coach Kerba I'll be sitting this one out.”

Alex made his best to overcome his surprise. This was a very un-Charlie-like behavior, to say the least. Charlie was usually so in control of his emotions and managed to be so damn chill and confident all the time that Alex was having a hard time reconciling this image with the jumpy boy he now had in front of him.

He sat close by Charlie's side, one leg on each side of the bench, and watched his boyfriend carefully. “What's prompted this?” Alex asked, even though he had a pretty good idea of why Charlie was acting this way. But speaking from personal experience, he knew it was best to let the person vent out about whatever was bothering them than to assume things.

Charlie shook his head, exasperated. “I don't even-- shit. I think it's just, just the scouts, you know,” he sighed, head falling down again. “And everything. And I know it isn't my first time playing while having them on the bleachers, but it used to be something I didn't have to think about because I wasn't their primary interest then. Now it just feels like the minute I step on the field, all eyes will be on me, and I really don't wanna screw it up,” he turned to Alex, eyes wide and earnest. “I can't screw it up. First impressions count a lot, and if I don't make a good one today, next time they come I may not be on their top list anymore, and I just-- I feel like I can't make it today. I'm not prepared enough. I have to sit this one out.”

“Hey,” said Alex gently, capturing one of Charlie's hands into his own and squeezing it for comfort. “You won't screw anything up. You're the best quarterback this team has had over the last seasons. I know shit about football, but I hear how they speak of you.”

Charlie laughed softly, a nervous sound that still didn't quite match his normally self-assured persona. Alex entwined their fingers, looking at their joined hands as he searched his mind for words to reassure his boyfriend. He could clearly recall more than one occasion where the younger boy had calmed him down from his anxiety – it was unexpected to find the positions reversed now, but Alex would try at the best of his capacities to comfort Charlie.

“What did your coach say?” Alex asked, eyes not leaving Charlie's face.

“Wasn't too happy about it. Yelled a bit when I told him I can't do it, and ordered me to drag my ass outside and be a fucking captain, or something along these lines,” answered Charlie wryly. He smiled at Alex, but it was humorless. “So on top of everything, I'm also failing him and my teammates. It only gets better.”

The bitterness sounded so uncharacteristic coming from Charlie's voice that Alex felt at a loss for a while. He pressed his thumb against the back of Charlie's hand, tracing small, soothing circles with the pad of his finger as he tried to convey into words the reassurance Charlie needed right now.

“It's ok to feel overwhelmed, Charlie. It's also ok if you don't feel like you can make it today. You don't have to, and no one can make you. It's a choice you have, no one can say otherwise,” Alex leaned in, trying to capture Charlie's gaze, but the quarterback's eyes remained stubbornly on the floor. Alex plowed onwards nonetheless. “But I believe in you. And your coach believes in you, and even your dumb brutes of teammates believe in you. They look up to you,” he pulled at Charlie's hand to get the younger boy's attention, and this time Charlie turned his eyes to him. He looked so crestfallen Alex felt his own heart crumbling inwards in response. He lifted his other hand to Charlie's face, placing it firmly on his jaw to keep his attention on him. “You can do this. I know you, Charlie, and you're not one to back down from a challenge. You've been doing amazing ever since you entered the team, and I'm sure you'll do so today as well.”

Charlie let his breath out in a hush, closing his eyes and tilting his head forward so that his forehead rested against Alex's. He didn't answer immediately, just stayed close, reveling in his boyfriend's proximity, breath slightly heavier than usual due to his nerves. His hand still held Alex's, and the grip was tight, strong, almost as if he were afraid to start spiraling again if he let go. Alex traced the line of his cheekbone with his thumb, able to count the freckles on his nose up this close. If only Charlie could see himself through his eyes now.

He never thought he would be the one calming Charlie down eventually. It could perhaps be seen as ironic, but Alex found it made them more even. It came to show that Charlie could break sometimes, too, and that was fine. It was normal. Alex could be there for him when it happened, just as much as Charlie had done the same for him, more than once. It filled Alex with an odd sort of peace. They were together in this.

Alex kissed his eyebrow, his forehead, the bridge of his nose, smoothing down the faint lines of worry that still resided on Charlie's face. He lost track of how long they stayed together like that, just sharing the same space, the same air. But it couldn't have been too long – the noise coming from the stadium was still easily heard from the locker rooms, and the game had not yet started. Charlie's hand still trapped his own, and it had slowly loosened its grip as the boy calmed down from his restlessness.

“Can we make out a bit?” Charlie's voice broke the silence, sounding less shaky, but still more on edge than usual.

“Are you serious? You got like, ten minutes or so before you have to be on the field,” pointed Alex, amused.

“Didn't say I'm playing yet,” countered Charlie, but from the different set of his shoulders, Alex could tell he had made up his mind. “Could really use some incentive to go for it, though.”

“Why does this sound like a ruse for me to kiss you?” Alex wondered aloud, hand already sliding further to curl into the hairs on Charlie's nape.

“Cause that's pretty much what it is,” stated Charlie. The corner of his lip turned a bit upwards, and Alex counted that as a win. “Come here.”

Alex smiled, allowing Charlie to pull him closer, half-amused at his enthusiasm when their lips met. He wasn't surprised, though. It was a trait of Charlie's to be very physical with his affections, and the fact that his nerves were barely restrained at the moment probably served to amplify this particular aspect. Alex pressed his hand against the nape of his neck, holding Charlie steady as they explored each other's mouths.

Charlie rested his fingers against Alex's pulse point mid-kiss. It grounded him more than anything, feeling Alex there with him, feeling his heart so close, feeling and knowing and trusting he had someone who'd do anything for him. His other hand was still entwined with Alex's, and the touch felt soothing, calming, comforting – such a contrast to the heated way their lips moved together it made Charlie dizzy. He felt anchored by Alex's understanding. He felt _seen_.

They broke apart as the narrator's voice blasted on through the speakers, announcing the game was about to start in five minutes. Charlie begrudgingly pulled away from Alex, the hand still pressed against the older boy's neck sliding slowly away.

“You good?” Alex asked softly, squeezing Charlie's fingers in a playful way.

Charlie let out a faint smile. “I'm better,” he lifted Alex's hand to his lips, kissing his knuckles lovingly. “Thank you,” he whispered, staring straight into his boyfriend's eyes.

There was such gratitude, such reverence, such _love_ in his gaze that Alex felt himself drowning helplessly in the blue of his eyes. “Anytime,” he whispered back and used all of his inner strength to pull away from his boyfriend before his instincts got the best out of him. If Charlie kept staring at him like that, he would not hold himself responsible, football match be damned. “Come on. We can continue this conversation later.”

“Is that a promise, or are you just being a tease?” Charlie wondered, grabbing his helmet from the bench.

“I guess we'll find out,” Alex stuck his hands on his pockets, a small grin spreading on his face. “But if the Tigers win today, s'ppose their captain will deserve some praise. I'd be on board to help with that-- is that enough of an incentive?”

Charlie groaned, sticking his headpiece in place with probably more force than strictly necessary. “I'll be sure to remind you of that after we win,” he warned, but from what Alex could still see of his face, he was smiling.

And the Liberty Tigers indeed won the match. Charlie played just fine – not his best match per se, but he stood out enough to make the scouts ask about him to Coach Kerba after the game ended. He just had to keep up the good work, Kerba had said, allowing his quarterback an encouraging smile as he informed him of the news. Charlie's father had this huge grin on his face as he embraced his son, and his teammates all patted him on the back for yet another good display of leadership. All things considered, he thought he did a good job for someone who didn't even want to step into the field one hour ago.

His eyes drifted to the bleachers, and he easily found Alex amongst the trail of departing students, sitting beside Tyler and Estela. They waved at him, and Charlie waved back automatically, but he only had eyes for Alex.

The smile on his face was the biggest Charlie had seen in a while, and he looked so proud the quarterback felt his own heart skip a beat. _This is it, then_ , he thought, a serene mood spreading onto him, finally taking over after a week worth of worrying. This was what it felt like to have someone you could count on. Who would hold your hand when things didn't look so good, and would show you there were other means to deal with whatever is thrown your way. As he made his way to the trio, face mirroring his boyfriend's smile, Charlie was sure he was not letting go of Alex's hand for anything in this world.

**Author's Note:**

> hope y'all enjoy this one <3 I'm taking a break from my series as I rewatch some episodes, but I'll try to write other things in between. Thanks for reading!


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